The temperature outside is below freezing, but come lunch time, I’m feeling the heat. As if someone raised it to scorching hot.
The twins come in from the cold leaving a trail of snow-pants and scarves and puddles of sloshy muddy mess from the fifteen minutes of winter fun. They’re looking for food and a steaming hot cup of apple cider.
Stacks of laundry teeter on the couch, and the littlest one plasters herself to my right leg. Her three year-old sister sits in an ocean of tears in the corner, because her brother took some precious thing-a-ma-jig and went running down the hall. My first grader needs to know how to spell “Valentine” for the card she’s making, and squabbles about who got the mail yesterday can now be heard coming from the unbundling children.
I look around for the quickest way out.
If I just slip into the bathroom for a few minutes of semi-quiet {I could even bring Ariya with me and let her unroll all of the toilet paper}… my phone sits within reach, I could check my email or vent on Facebook {maybe Annabella would stop crying long enough if I show her the cute pictures}.
But, I have yet to begin making lunch. So I pull out a plethora of dishes and ingredients and our kids’ favorite cookbook {because everyone is smiling in the pictures and I think surely this one time the joy will outweigh the mess}.
I sift flour into the bowl.
Elliana comes in red-faced and begging to help.
I’m thankful, but wish I had chosen peanut butter and jelly.
She washes her hands as I scoop up my toddler, distracting her with a spatula. I know she’ll make a bigger mess, but I’m thankful for the use of my legs.
Eggs and flour whisk together.
Milk and water pour in, as my helper softly asks, “Why hasn’t Daddy found a job as a pastor yet?”
I mumble something about how it is just not God’s time yet, and to please try to keep everything in the bowl.
More “helpers” emerge.
And I look once again for the escape route.
Anything to disappear from the waiting and the uncertainty and the tears and the discipline and the balancing it all and the failures and the mess.
Haven’t we been in this fiery place long enough?
The butter sizzles, and I spoon the batter into the pan.
I hear myself say, “If we flip them too fast- they’ll just plop into a gooey mess.”
Those sixty seconds seem like forever to six little pairs of eyes.
“Wait until they pull away from the sides and are bubbling up a bit.”
The oldest wait as patiently as they can for their first attempt at flipping the crepes. Kayla asks me to listen to her memory verses. The littlest ones keep beat with whisks and a bowl turned drum. Isaiah wants to know why we have to cook the batter in the first place.
My un-scientific answer stumbles out, “well… um… the sticky… the batter…. it’s um… heated…. and… the batter is changed and formed by the heat.”
“Oh! So then we can eat them- right mom!? Because they’re changed and formed by the heat?” he asks as he bounds out of the room.
“Yes, buddy. Changed and formed by the heat.”
We watch the temperature and make sure the crepes get flipped at just the right time. Soon we gather at the table pushing schoolbooks to the side to make room for strawberries and syrup.
And that one jumbled up phrase replays over and over in my mind.
Changed and formed by the heat.
Those moments when the heat has been raised to searing high.
Those overwhelming, painful, broken, heart-wrenching minutes that can turn to hours… that can turn to days… that can turn to years.
Those blinks in eternity when I am forced to trust that God has His hand on the thermostat and His eye on the clock and that I am NOT alone.
It’s those flashes of time, when it feels as though I’m going to melt or get burnt, that I all too often take matters into my own hands.
I turn off the heat… and end up a gloppy mess. {Thankfully God still covers and uses the spilled out and broken.}
Or I try to rush it by turning up the heat… and end up getting burnt. {Which is so much more painful.}
I know there are times when fleeing is the best option (just ask Joseph), and how even God who never slumbers, showed examples of rest. But so often it is here in the sweltering furnace, that God uses the heat to refine us and to mold us.
And it is even here, with flames surrounding, when He walks with us- carrying us when needed.
See, I have refined you, though not as silver;
I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
-Isaiah 48:10For you, God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
-Psalm 66:10The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the wilderness. There you saw how the Lord your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.” –Deuteronomy 1:30-31
The heat will come… one day bringing transformation and redemption and glorious beauty.
How will we choose to live in it?
Has the heat been raised to searing hot in your life? How can I pray for you?
This post is just what I needed today… power struggles with a two year old (who seems to be winning) and a baby who won’t stop crying (I suspect it’s teething… oh I don’t like teething time!!!) It’s been such a long day and no matter what I try to do, it doesn’t seem to improve. I know it will get better, at least if I can get to supper time and my husband can relieve me for a bit. Anyway, thanks for the encouragement!!
I SO appreciate you, Britt! And am so thankful for the little bits of time we get to spend together! Praying for you tonight!
Jessica
Thank you so much for this beautiful post. It is just what I needed. In the midst of the refiners fire, it is a blessing to know that I am not the only one there.
Chela, It’s not an easy place to be, but it’s amazing to watch how God works and moves and grows us in the process. Praying for you tonight!
~Jessica
Oh that was so honest and so good. I had to laugh at your get away tactics as they are my own too! Good for you for letting the kids make a mess and “help”. They are so blessed to have a mom like you. And your hubby is blessed to have a faithful wife like you. The most beautiful things are formed by heat~ God is making your family more beautiful. (If that’s possible!)
God bless you, friend~ Jen
Jen, Your words are always so precious and encouraging. Thank you! I’m blessed to call you friend!
Praying you have a wonderful weekend!
Jessica
Love! Your pics of your children are simply adorable.
Just wandering, what part of the country u r in that you have below zero temps right now?
Thank you Jennifer! Right now we’re living in Minnesota. :) SO beautiful, but yes, quite cold this time of year!
Have a blessed day!
Oh, yea, we’ve been there. It’s soooo hard, but you WILL make it through. God is still there, working on His perfect plans for you. Love your outlook on life! And your crepes look wonderful!!
So blessed by your words, Corina, and by knowing a small part of the story God has woven for you! So thankful He is still working!
Praying for you tonight!
~Jessica
Oh sweetie – I have been there more times than not in the past few months. My Bella is seriously testing right now and I’m feeling that heat over and over again. I’m so thankful that our Lord knows all that is happening and that He has me…even in the fire!!
Isn’t it encouraging to know that we are not alone!? What a mighty God we serve! I’m so thankful He is working and loving and molding and changing in the midst of the fire! Praying for you (and that precious Bella girl of yours) tonight!
~Jessica
What a great illustration….By the way, I first heard of Heart of Dakota through your blog. It was just what we were looking for. My 3 1/2 year old (who’s name is Elianna!…spelled a bit differently from yours :-) is loving it. It has been such a blessing to us.
Thank you, Jenna! And how fun that you heard of Heart of Dakota here. :) It’s been such a blessing in our lives, and I’m glad to share it with others! (And how fun to hear of another Elliana… mine with think that is so special!) Have a blessed day!
Jessica
Oh sweet sister and your family, I think of you every single day. I’m further on down the road because I and my children are so much older…not to say more mature, but we are still being refined every day….being in ways of my health, my children spiritually…well, me spiritually too, who am I kidding? But God is so gracious, He just keeps teaching us and teaching us again. I wonder how your family is doing and how things are going job wise…waiting is hard, waiting to have a clean bill of health, waiting for our children to come back to the Lord, waiting for a job, waiting, waiting, waiting, but those that wait upon the Lord will not have found the waiting in vain. And so I know that one day, we will hear that the job has come, that I’m feeling better….or not, but I’m healed in God’s way, that my children have returned to the Lord….that one I count on and that our waiting has all come to fruition in His perfect time. Praise His Holy Name. Love to You.
Jane, Your words are such an incredible encouragement to me! To know that someone is thinking of and praying for and loving us every day, is a huge blessing. Thank you for allowing God to use you in that way. Thank you for reminding me that those who wait on the Lord will not have found the waiting in vain. And thank you for your testimony of prayers for you and your family! I’m praying for you tonight! Hugs from afar- Jessica
Wow. What a beautiful post. I am always so encouraged by your writing, and by your transparency. I’m so glad that great moms like you have times of these struggles, too – sometimes I feel like a terrible mom because of my struggles with impatience and anger and selfishness and desires to escape with my phone into the bathroom!!! :) Your amazing illustration of the heat made me think of the following illustration I shared with a group of ladies a couple of years ago – I found it beautiful and often think of it – thought it might be an encouragement to you!! Just a heads up – if you’re anything like me, you will cry while reading it!! :)
http://www.traceymccaskill.com/1/post/2011/10/a-lump-of-clay-the-potter-s-wheel-and-a-gorgeous-teacup.html#
Enjoy! :)
Thank you, sweet Carrie! I’m right there with you, striving to lay my life down so that He will mold me into who He wants me to be. (And, I needed tissues!)
Blessings, Jessica
“Changed and formed by the heat.” Thankful to God for working through your son to give you perspective and in turn encourage me! I’m in a fiery place too – similar and yet a bit different from your own and there are moments when I feel like succumbing to the pressure and trying to hide {even for just a brief moment} from my responsibilities/my little treasures… Thanks for the encouragement, Jessica!
Praying for you right now, Heather! And always so blessed by your kind words!
Jessica
Oh Jessica! I needed this so badly right now! It is so good to know I’m not in this alone…..just to know there are other mothers out there who get tired of it all, discouraged, depressed, frustrated, etc etc, makes me feel better… When life gets overwhelming and I think I can’t take it anymore, may I remember to hand it over to God and let him create beauty in the mess…and help me to find JOY as I raise my boys for him! Keep on writing, Jessica, you have a way of making me get my focus in the right place again :)
May Gods grace and favor rest on you and your family!
Ruth, thank you for blessing me with your words. What peace comes in knowing that we are not alone. And that God is mightily at work- even when we’re ready to flee! Praying for you tonight!
~Jessica
Beautiful and honest, I love this, thank you!
Thank you, Katrina! Have a blessed day!
I loved this post. My personal testimony is how God can keep you through the worst of circumstances. The heat can change us for the better when we keep our hand in His!
Crystal, Your family has been on my heart and in my prayers so much! I’m thankful for your testimony of faith amidst deep pain.
Blessings, Jessica
Oh yes! I know that heat well and the temptation to avoid it altogether. But God knows exactly what I need. Trusting Him today that my time in the heat will bring Him glory. Enjoyed visiting here today!
Precious words, Christina! What a wonderful prayer that we can pray- that the time we spend in the heat will bring Him glory! Have a blessed day!
~Jessica