One minute until midnight I lie curled up in bed, aches and chills surrounding me.
The hours had passed slowly, my husband having found a spare blanket and pillow for his comfortable night on the couch.
With a churning stomach and shaky fingers I grab my phone and manage to type out my message.
My phone chimes. “Happy New Year. I love you too.”
Instead of celebrating- running outside with no regrets, barefoot and giddy while banging on pots and pans and shouting blessings into the new year as I did as a child- I toss and turn.
More than being sick and alone and tired – I find fear entangling my heart.
The vastness of the fresh year lays out before me, and I’m lost as to how to move forward.
How do I train up six children in the ways of the Lord and stop raising my voice and start putting others first? How do I teach each individual and make play-dough and read countless books and teach multiplying and the sounds of each letter in the alphabet? How do I get over one-thousand meals on the table and keep up with the laundry and vacuum the crumbs off the couch? How do I learn to speak kindly and not to fear or to worry and to spend time feasting on His Word instead of on food daily? How do I encourage and build up, leading others deeper into Him, without staying stuck in the muck of my own sin?
And how do I step into the new- when secretly I want to have a do-over on the last?
No matter how glistening my life may look on the outside,
God knows the raw places of my soul.
He knows how 2012 was the year I didn’t eat any healthier, never set up a date-night, failed to clean out the laundry room, continued to put myself before others, all too often lost hope in what He was doing, still found myself hiding from the mess of it all, did not start preschool with my soon-to-be-kindergartener, lost the battle at teaching no whining or complaining, discouraged my husband when I should have kept my mouth quiet, read less in my Bible than my eight-year old daughter, and muffled the voice of my amazing Savior.
My failures pile high.
Each of ours does if we’re honest.
I roll over to find my phone once again. I can’t get out of bed without getting sick, so I wake up my love to bring me some ice cubes and white grape juice.
I see the picture of my littlest lady outside.
I whisper to myself how this is her first winter to really experience the snow.
Through the window she watched dazzled by the big snowflakes falling from the sky. “Snow! Snow!” She smiled. Each sibling dressed like a snowman joined in the picture, and her little feet burst down the hallway- “Side! Side!” she said pointing to the door.
Socks and snow-pants and boots and coat. Hat and mittens and she didn’t know what to do. My thumb-sucking, hair-twirling eighteen month-old was being forced to face the fresh glittering white without her security. On and off and on and off the hat and mittens went, until she caught sight of the fun out the door once again.
Her little feet, all wobbly inside of the boots, crunched down lightly on top of the snow.
And there she stood frozen. Tears streaming down.
No amount of cajoling and sled-riding could stop them.
Each day she’d gaze through the pane of the glass, and with glistening wonder show her delight. But when clothed in her snowsuit and surrounded by the white, she became too scared to take one step into it.
A few days later, the temperature warmed up, and hats and mittens were left in the closet.
My precious Ariya, so terrified before, stood in the snow and slid one tiny step forward.
Crunch and slide. Crunch and slide.
Her little feet slipped. Snow brushed her face. “Cooo-ooold,” was her comment as she looked up at me. I held my breath and helped her to her feet, and then I could see the twinkle in her bright blue eyes. Moments later, off she went clomping down the driveway once again.
She greeted a snowman and stole his carrot nose. And found the fun and beauty and good amidst the expanse of the cold.
I thank my sweet husband for being my nurse, and my great God for speaking to my heart.
For just like my daughter, it all seems too much. I see the fresh beauty of the new year, but sit frozen by the incredible expanse of it.
The good and the glory and the blessings abound, but I know all too well the bite of the cold and the pain of slipping.
But I have a choice, whether I will get back up in God’s strength, taking one tiny step at a time, gaining confidence from Him – or if I will miss out on experiencing all that God has in store, just because it is also scary and difficult.
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”
-Hebrews 10:35-36
“One tiny step at a time” is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Not just for today but for this whole rotten season of life I am in! Personally I have been going through a lot. A lot of heartach, marital issues that spawn near demon children (yes, that’s how bad it has been). I have let my connection, my bond, my tie with the Lord slack way to much. I have fallen on old habits that are no good for anyone and I fear I have pushed my husband even further away from finally having a relationship with Christ because of my issues an dthe way I have been dealing with them. But over the past few weeks I have gotten better, it’s a work in progress!
Sorry if I shared way to much and gave TMI! You share so much with us and I was hoping to get some prayers!
So thank you for this!
Oh sweet Lindsey, I’m praying for you today! And I’d be honored to continue praying! I’m sorry things have been so terribly rough! May God give you the strength to take one tiny step forward- and then another- and another with His strength and grace!
Hugs, Jessica
Thank you for sharing again Jessica! It always helps to know we are not alone in the battle! Things are on the upswing here, but sometimes it seems everything goes crazy at once and gets overwhelming. One step at a time is a perfect reminder and encouragement to look up and not at all the challenges…and to remain in hope, pressing on. Thank you for your reminder! And spoken with such gentleness and grace! I’m always reminded of God’s grace and patience after reading your notes!
Cathy, your words are always so beautifully encouraging. Thank you! I have been praying for you and your family, and I will continue!
Hugs~ Jessica
I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face…
I am so blessed by your honesty. You have pretty much described my 2012 and I was not looking forward to 2013 either seeing as within the first 24 hours of the new year I had already raised my voice, burned the bread, selfishly ignored my husband,….well you get the idea. Thank you for your blog. So encouraged to begin anew today, confident that His GRACE is sufficient! My prayers are with you and your precious family.
Thank you, sweet Jessica, your tears mix with mine! So thankful that God’s mercies are new every moment!
Praying for you today!
~Jessica
Missed you yesterday at M&M’s. You would have liked it. Dealing with stress, worry and guilt. So many truths revisited in God’s Word. Fresh in my mind today as I take on day 4 of the new year. I hope and pray that you are feeling better today. God bless you, Jessica.
Jenny, I missed you too! A couple of my girls were in tears since they wouldn’t be able to help out with the little ones. And oh, how I was looking forward to the godly advice on how to deal with mommy stress, worry and guilt!! I’m always needing some good reminders in those areas. ;) We’ll have to get together so you can tell me all about it. :) I am feeling much better. My sweet children are each taking their turn though! Praying that we would all be healthy soon!
I look forward to seeing you Sunday!
~Jessica
I too have tears falling… I can not thank you enough for being brave enough to post your realities for the rest of us to read. It is such a blessing to know I am not alone in this struggle and while I have failed so many times already this year :/ I have hope that I can get better, one step at a time.
I hope you are feeling better and you and your family are in my prayers!
God bless!
Karen, Thank you so much for your prayers and your kind, heart-felt words! One step at a time- with God’s strength and grace moving us forward!
I’m praying for you today!
~Jessica
Dear Jessica! Sorry that we once again shared the flu bug! What is with us and Christmas??? I have been down and out most of the week, and am very slowly getting back on my feet! Hope you guys are all feeling better soon.
I think we all can relate to this latest post! We often look at our failures, and allow the enemy to get us stuck in fear thinking we will just fail again (and we will), and never make a difference. But in His word, God reminds us to forget what is in the past (once we have confessed any sin) and press on toward the goal. As your mother-in-law and grandma to your children, I want to encourage you and let you know that I visibly see how God is working in you and using you not only in the lives of your family, but many others as well. None of us is perfect, and we will not be until we are in heaven, but even in our imperfections and honesty about them, God can use us! I am proud of how Gabe and you are raising your children, and how they love the Lord! What a joy to be part of family worship on Saturday night and see them ask questions and praise God in worship! God often reminds me of the time when the Israelites were about to cross the Jordan river into the promised land. The river was at flood stage (which would be very scary to me!) and yet He did not still the water until they took the first step in. That is what God wants us to do! No matter our fear of failure or of the outcome, to step forth in obedience and then watch Him work! I am excited to see how He continues to work in and through you in the coming year! Love you! Mom Norton
I have tears streaming down! Thank you for your constant encouragement and love! I have no words to express how much it means to me! And I’m so thankful for the example that you are to me and our children! Love you deeply, and praying you’ll be completely better soon!
Love, Jessica
I have enjoyed reading your blog off and on for about a year, I have never commented but I had to thank you for being so real and honest with this post. I have been feeling the exact same way. It is so easy to lose sight of the big picture when there are so many “to-do’s” that I fail at daily. It is living in constant grace, having a continual conversation with the only One who will NEVER fail me or anyone! 2013 is a new chance, not to get everything right but to stay in sweet relation with our Lord. Thanks for the reminder to take one tiny step at a time! May God bless your family in the upcoming year!!
P.S. I too am planning a preschool boot-camp for the next several months!! Unfortunately it has been too easy to skimp on my plans with my son as well. We can do it :)
Andrea, What a blessing to meet you and to hear your sweet encouragement. Thank you!! Let’s continue to draw closer to our God!
Many blessings, Jessica
Oh sweet friend – I think we all struggle like this. {{hugs}} as you recover and prayers for a fresh new start in the New Year!
Thanks, Aurie! I appreciate you greatly! Have a beautiful week! :)
~Jessica
Thank you so much for your honesty. I am not so much of a blog commenter, but I had to say thank you. I feel as if you were writing this post straight from my heart. God bless you for removing the fear of being the only mommy who…
So glad I happened to visit this morning.
Sarah, Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. I’m so glad to hear a little of your heart, and be reminded that I am not alone!
Many blessings, Jessica
What a wonderful story to make us all stop and remember.
Thank you, Ellen, for your kind words!
~Jessica
Beautiful story. God doesn’t remember our past, and we shouldn’t either! One of my favorite quotes is “When Satan tries to remind you of your past…remind him of his future!” Every day can be like New Year’s day when we just decide to give OURSELVES a fresh start. ;) God’s blessings to you and your family in 2013!
How true! I’m so glad that God’s mercies are new every morning!
Have a wonderful day!
~Jessica
Hi there! This was a beautiful post. Thank you so much for sharing. I found your blog a while ago when I found your Scripture canvas art you did with your girls. We finally did our own yesterday. I posted it on my blog and linked back to your original post on making the Scripture canvases. Hope you don’t mind. Have a blessed day.
Amber, I’m so glad that you got to do the Scripture canvas art with your family! Yours turned out beautifully! It’s a joy to meet you!
~Jessica