These past few days, even as we were flying high in a plane and are now living in what seems to be a new life, I can’t help but remember the loss of our first baby nine years ago yesterday. This is another time in my life that I wish I could rip the script out of God’s hands and re-write it. For, I’ve read of the incredible stories of others who have found their baby to be dead inside the womb. They wept and prayed long and hard as they poured their hearts out to God, and God, who was and is all powerful and good, worked an incredible miracle- bringing about a happy, healthy little one. I am in awe of God’s miraculous hand in these little lives… yet, I know that we too cried out to our miraculous God and sought to have a faith that could move mountains, but this miraculous story that I’ve read about from others, was not OUR story (And I know not the story of so many of you)…
I had only known I was pregnant for a little over a week, & was just over eight weeks along… yet I was already in love with that little one- that precious life!! When I started spotting early that morning, I knew something was terribly wrong. I headed to work & within a few hours was found sobbing in the bathroom. After a blur of motion- I headed to meet my husband at an unscheduled appointment with my doctor & shortly after for an ultrasound at the nearby hospital.
The ultrasound was terrifying… but it should not have been that way- this was my first ultrasound, it was “suppose” to be exciting & amazing… but it felt dark & cold, & as I stared at the blank screen, all the ultrasound technician could tell me was, “there is no baby!” The physical & emotional pain of losing our first baby to miscarriage was heart-breaking… even today, over nine years later, tears stream down my face as I take time to remember!
Within the next few days, I was amazed by the fact that I was not alone… so many- too many- before me experienced the same agony, & in some ways that brought me comfort. Church & family & friends sent flowers & cards. My mom came to stay with us & I was so grateful. And my husband was absolutely wonderful- for he was grieving too! Unfortunately, there were also too many rude comments… but I understood, people often don’t know what to say when another is hurting- I can be the same way… yet the comments still stung. And ultimately I knew I desperately needed God to heal my broken heart, but I really didn’t know if He ever would!
The next five months were some of the hardest of my life. I needed time to heal & grieve & cry out to God, & in the process lost a couple close friendships, as I kept thinking, “I will call them when I am not so sad, or when I have good news to tell them.” For I wanted so desperately to be pregnant again, yet I grieved the loss of our first child every day! Yet during this time, as I recognized fully that I could not understand God & His ways, I learned to trust in Him like never before- like I never knew was even possible! And v.e.r.y s.l.o.w.l.y God began working in my heart, changing me for His glory!
And He led me to these verses…
“In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith- of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire- may be proved genuine & may result in praise, glory & honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
1 Peter 1:6-7
Oh, how I longed for God to be glorified through this trial & through me!! After six of some of the longest months of my life, we found out once again that I was pregnant. Because of the miscarriage, my doctor scheduled an early ultrasound, & when I was nine weeks along, I faced another ultrasound… & I was TERRIFIED!! Yet this time it was different & had a different result! :)
At first I could not see the monitor, but the doctor was smiling! And after a few short moments, she turned the screen to me, & said, “Everything looks great! And you’re having TWINS!!” Tears of joy, flowed down my face!!
Although I feared for the lives of my babies every single day of that pregnancy, I learned to trust God with their lives at such a tiny age. And exactly 1 year after our miscarriage, we were in the hospital, certain that those twins were going to make their appearance. But they hung in there 3 more days (still almost 8 weeks premature) before gracing us with their presence. :)
And, now, nine years later, although I still miss our first baby, I would never have imagined that we would have six healthy, wonderful, beautiful children! Through the pain, God indeed has brought us hope, favor and joy… He has truly answered our prayers!
Yet, I also know, that many of you are still in the middle of the pain. And you don’t know if there ever will be a “happy ending”. All too many of you have lost children that God has given you the opportunity to see and hold and love all the more. Will God heal your broken hearts?? I don’t know. I don’t have the answers, but I know a God who does! And I would love to hear from you & pray for you… no matter what stage you are at! Please feel free to leave me a comment, or e-mail me at ourfamilyforhisglory {@} gmail.com!
Blessings,
Jessica
This was an edited re-post from two years ago. If you’d like to read more of our story…
The Story of Our Miscarriage {{Part 1}}
The Story of Our Miscarriage {{Part 2}}
The Story of Our Miscarriage {{Part 3}}
When a Friend Has a Miscarriage
Linked to The Better Mom, Monday Mom Musings, Titus 2sdays, Titus 2 Tuesdays, and Women Living Well.
I too know this pain and the joy of having children after such a loss. I remember you going through this and hope I never said anything painful. I can remember some of the comments I received but also the encouragement and stories from others that had also gone through this. I just attended a funeral last week of a friend that lost her daughter. It was horrible and I just kept thinking about how I could ever go through something like this. I really don’t have any answers for the pain that we suffer on this earth and try to think about the pain Jesus went through. Not only him but his mother who watched him die. His other family. His friends and companions. Everyone goes through times of utter suffering and the verses you shared are so hopeful. Thank you for sharing not only your loss but what God revealed to you during this dark valley. Also praying for you during your candidating! Can’t wait to hear. :)
Amy, I remember you being such a blessing during those very difficult days as you shared of the pain you had gone through.
I’m so, so sorry for your friend. Some how, some way, God is still God, and He is good.
Thank you for praying for us- I look forward to filling you in on the details soon.
(As a side note… knowing that you were there loving and supporting me during those sad days, makes me realize what a long time we have been friends. :) I’m so thank for you and your friendship!!)
Hugs,
Jessica
We’ve had 3 miscarriages and I know the pain. Thanks for writing about it so eloquently here for us to read. It validates my feelings. I’m so sorry for your loss and so happy for your blessings! Also waiting patiently for your candidating report… :)
Oh, Jenny- I’m so sorry for your losses as well, and I truly rejoice over those precious little ones God has given you.
I am so thankful for your friendship!!
~Jessica
Hey thanks for posting this.
This week my little sister had a miscarriage as well as a really close friend of mine.
This came just when we needed it. Thanks :)
Cassie, I’m praying for your sister and for you!! Big hugs!
~Jessica
Amazing timing on this post. I miscarried last week. He/she would have been our third. We have a daughter and son with us here on Earth. I am still confused. It’s a little surreal – like it didn’t really happen but I know it did. Thank you for sharing your story.
Shelley, I am so, so sorry!!! My heart aches for you and I am praying for you right now. Please don’t hesitate to email me (ourfamilyforhisglory {at} gmail {dot} com) if you’d like to “talk” from afar!!
Big hugs!!!
~Jessica
thank you for sharing your story! We have lost 4 babies and been blessed with 4 little ones who made it, but our losses still feel like just yesterday. it is amazing how God can grow us through our struggles! new follower of your blog :)
Jen, I’m so blessed to meet you, and thankful for your kind words. I’m so sorry for your losses and rejoicing with you over your blessings!! God is truly amazing! I look forward to getting to know you more!
~Jessica
Jessica, I’ve read so many posts of mamas who’ve gone through similar situations, and my heart just hurts. I’m so very grateful that you cling to the Lord in your pain, and you are able to minister to others who’ve gone through the same thing. What a blessing to find out you were having twins! I’m so very happy for the big beautiful family you’ve been given. Relish them…I know you do.
Thank you for your sweet encouragement, Jelli! It is a heart-wrenching experience, but one that God can use to truly reveal Himself through.
My husband and I suffered through the pain of two miscarriages last year back to back, each one just two months apart. We already had four children and we were not trying for another, but after the initial shock of the first pregnancy, we embraced our reality and were happy to know that we would be blessed with another. Unfortunately at 7 weeks I miscarried. Two months later to our shock we were pregnant again, we were thrilled and so grateful to our Father for blessing us again but sadly miscarried at 9 weeks, this time after hearing the heart beat and all. This time I was numb, I couldn’t understand what my Lord was doing or trying to accomplish in us, yet I trusted Him. Today we have a very healthy 8 month old, who we adore he is our miracle baby and treasure him as well as his older siblings as we appreciate how fleeting our time together can be.
Niki, Thank you for sharing your story. What a joy to read of your precious miracle baby after such heart-ache. Thank you for the reminder of how fleeting our time together can be. I’m so glad that God picks up those broken pieces and makes something beautiful out of the pain!
Hugs! Jessica
Jessica, I know this post was done over a week ago. But I felt I needed to comment. My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our second child a few weeks ago. We have a son who is 4 and a half, I became pregnant with him when I was 19 and it was unexpected. Almost three years later I married my husband and he has taken our son as his own and doesn’t even think about the biological part. We decided to start trying to get pregnant after I accomplished my goal of running a half marathon, which I did in September (and at the time I was a few weeks pregnant and didn’t even know it:). This past Tuesday the 30th I had a doctor’s appointment checkup. Literally two weeks earlier we had gone in when I was 6 weeks along and had seen the heartbeat and that the baby had grown to the right size. Going in on Tuesday I thought it was just going to be a regular appointment and during the ultrasound the technician could not find the heartbeat. The doctor confirmed the news and I can say that out of all the days of my life so far, that Tuesday has been the hardest day of my life. I feel that the only way I have gotten through this is by God’s comfort and peace. I know my husband and I will have a precious healthy baby one day (hopefully soon), but it still hurts. Even though we are going through this difficult time, every time I see my healthy 4 and a half year old, I know how blessed I truly am. Thank you for your post.
Oh Vicki, I am so, so sorry! Yes, you are so blessed to have your incredible 4 year old, but your pain is very real and heart-breaking. I’m praying for you, and I would be honored to continue to pray for you in the days and months ahead!!! Thank you for taking the time to share your hurt and your heart with me!
~Jessica
Britt sent me your blog. This is almost my same story. We had problems getting pregnant and after nine months of trying, with a little help, conceived. It was right after Christmas (2011) that we had our first app. We were so excited, but after the ultrasound the doctor came in and very prompltely told us our baby had a heart rate of 40bpm and would not make it . She said at this point it was just a waiting game… I held onto that beautiful baby for a week(one of the most stressful weeks of my life as I had started spotting) till our next doctor app. They again said that nothing had changed and we would lose it. That night my wonderful husband held me as I lost my baby over the course of the night. The next three months were some of the hardest months of my life until with a little help again we conceived. Almost a year to the date I lost my first baby, I gave birth to our “Christmas miracle ” Luke.
Katie, I’m so blessed that you were able to share a piece of your story with me, and even more honored that I get to see your precious miracle in real life! I’m sorry that you had to go through such pain, yet praising God that He has gifted you with sweet Luke!
I look forward to getting to know you even more in the days ahead! :)
~Jessica
I just recently found your blog through another one that I read and I find your words so encouraging. I came across this one tonight and it has brought back so many memories. Ive had 6 total miscarriages but I’ve also been blessed with 3 beautiful children here on earth. I have always been a believer in Christ, but I didn’t really let Him in until my 3rd miscarriage. I know it was Him who got me through all the pain of such a loss.
Thank you for your kind words, sweet Dustie, and for sharing a little (but heart-wrenching) piece of your story with me.
~Jessica