As close to the edge of our bed as possible I lay with my head buried in my pillow. Eyes burning with tears. Defeat. Frustration. Hurt. Failure.
Broken pieces pile high and pierce my soul.
The door opens slowly.
I feel the slouch in his shoulders; the pain in his steps.
I don’t dare to speak, for I don’t know what will spill out. Instead I pretend to be asleep.
He crawls into bed.
I don’t move. I barely breathe.
Minutes pass, but sleep does not come.
It’s as though we’re worlds apart, yet somehow fumbling together to keep the pieces from completely shattering.
But maybe the pieces are already too shattered.
Tossing and turning the other way, I smile that the feet of my grown man nearly hang off the edge, yet he looks so much like our four-year old as he gets his pillows in the best position.
My heart softens ever so slightly.
I want to reach out and fill the distance between us, pick up some of the pieces and my trusty Elmer’s glue, yet my pride keeps me frozen once again.
And then I feel it.
The soft brush of his hand in mine.
Tears spill down my cheeks once again as he slips to my side of the bed and holds me.
He whispers his love for me. I believe him. And I nod and hold tighter to him, for I can’t find words to say what I want them to say.
And we talk of where to go from here.
And the mess we make of things.
Forgiveness pours out and love is shown through God’s strength alone.
And we stay up way too late mending the pieces together.
Laughing, knowing that the six blessings upstairs will not let us sleep in come morning.
The process is painful and yet so very good. But often times the pieces do not fit back together so nicely. The harsh words cut deeper. The grumpy spirit lasts longer. We go to bed angry. We feel broken. Alone. Misunderstood. Scared. Disrespected. Unloved.
It’s suppose to be beautiful, but it’s turned into a a crumpled up mess.
I can almost see the enemy throwing his fiery darts.
Making moments where I think to myself, “Who is this man? He has become a complete stranger… who only thinks of himself.”
Knowing that those are the times that I am certain he also looks at me as though an alien, wondering, “What happened to the beautiful, godly bride that I thought I married?”
For, we are both sinners.
In need of God’s grace.
And when I’m wishing that he would pick up the pieces and be the man I want him to be,
that is most often when God opens my eyes to the godly woman He has called ME to be. {And, OUCH! that often hurts even more!}
To RESPECT even when I don’t feel respected.
To HONOR even when that honor may not be deserved.
To LOVE the way that God loves.
Trusting that God is beautifully working the pieces back together again.
For He is.
And it is breathtaking!
{Oh, how I love this man! Yet, I hope this gives a little glimpse that our marriage is not perfect. I am not perfect, and my husband is not perfect. Thankfully God is working in and through us- making something beautiful out of the mess.}
How is God working in your marriage?
Thank you for your post. I am sure you have an awesome marriage but we all have those days, those moments like you describe. It is nice to us (your readers) to know that we are not alone in the days or moments when our marriages are not going exactly like they should be. The devil wants nothing more than to destroy marriages especially those built upon the Word of God. It is good that you are aware of his attacks! Love and Blessings!
Thank you, Jennifer. I’m so glad that God is greater than any and all of the attacks from the enemy!
Praying you have a blessed day! :)
Jessica
Oh yes how I can relate. You can feel like a failure to yourself, your kids, your marriage and your journey with God Thankfully God finds a way to soften our hearts. I used to sit and steam for hours…days sometimes.Now with the power of Christ the time is shorter; but still so painful and troubleing. I have learned that my husband doesn’t make the first step back…it needs to be me….so I swollow my Pride…I pray really hard for Christs Strength….I walk back shoulders hunched,defeated….and I simply say I love you….and wait for him.
Oh, how those steps toward healing and restoration are so necessary but difficult! Thank you for what you said about the “steaming” being shorter with God’s help. That’s so true in my life as well. I pray that He will continually make us quicker to forgive, quicker to reach out, and quicker to swallow that hard lump of pride! Have a great weekend!! :) ~Jessica
God is good and is in our merriage. Without Him we would probably be just like my sister and his two brothers (they have all been divorced at least once). God is good and is in all. We are very greatful and richly blessed! For some reason I don’t think anyone person or couple has it all together. The great thing is that we all have our strengths and when I see Godly charactor I gleen that. *big smile* I enjoy learning what has worked for others and considering it to the bible to see if it’s something we should also consider. *smile* Enjoy your time with your beloved husband today remembering to pray always. Sincerely, Mommy of two growing blessings & so much more!
I agree- none of us have it all together, but if we did, we wouldn’t see our need for God!
I have seen the excruciating pain of divorce, and am thankful for God’s hand on our marriage!
Blessings!
Wow. Love the honesty. Almost like reading a page or two in the book of my life. :) Beautiful writing. You are very talented with words. And I love your heart for God.
God bless~ Jen
Thank you, sweet Jenny! I think we have a lot in common! :)
Jessica
Love it! This is where I (we) are right now. I’m wanting my husband to be, when it is I who need to become. Thank you so much for sharing- honest & encouraging!!!
Oh Jamee, How often I am in this place of needing to die to self, yet instead I’m too busy focusing on the faults of those around me. :(
Thankfully God is still working on us, giving us the strength and grace to become who He wants us to become.
I appreciate your kind, encouraging words! :)
Jessica
Wow! Cannot tell you how much I needed to hear that this morning! You have a gift in writing what ALL of us feel, and it is powerful! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for your encouragement, Erin. There is comfort in knowing that we are not alone.
Praying for you right now! :) ~Jessica
Your talent with words and photos is amazing. Your description of what happens with anger and disagreements in relationships is so honest. Michael and I have been there. It is good to be reminded that we must show God’s grace and forgiveness to our spouses and not wait for him to be the first to do so. Pride and selfishness will keep us from having peace in our marriage. This is just want Satan wants to achieve. I must remember to not let that happen. Thank you for a great post.
Linda, Thank you for your continuous encouragement! It is such a blessing for me to hear of how you too are working on your marriage. Relying on God to rid you of your pride and selfishness, and filling you and your marriage with peace. Many blessings!! (And, I hope you had a wonderful Birthday!!)
Jessica
http://learninggodsway.wordpress.com/2012/10/06/a-few-questions-from-our-wedding/
A letter I wrote to my husband on our 11th anniversary. We can all make a muddy mess of our marriages, but thank goodness we have the Lord to go to for guidance!! Thanks for your post. I enjoy “hearing” from you every week.
Amanda, That was a beautiful letter, truly! I loved reading of the work God has done in your heart!
Jessica–I am right there with you. There are days like that in all our marriage, keep shining friend for HIM!
Nicole, I’m so thankful we’re not alone in this journey! God is so gracious to pour out His strength and grace, and then to allow us to walk through these hard days with others. I always smile when I see your name, for I know you have some sweet encouragement to share. :) Thank you! ~Jessica
I recently read a book ( I know you are shocked!) called “A God empowered wife.” Oh how I wish I had found it years ago. Before I had made a mess of things. However, the insight and power of this book have been life changing for me. I encourage all wives to read this. It’s not another wife/marriage book like all the rest. It really makes you look at your relationship with God before all else. What is motivating you in your marriage. What God wants or what you want? It’s powerful to unfold the desires of your heart and the covenant of God.
Hehe!!! :) I LOVE that you share books with me!! That sounds like another book that I would really appreciate. Do you happen to own a copy? :)
Jessica