I hung up the phone and crumpled to the floor. Tears streaked all blotchy and lungs gasped fighting for one more stale breath.
But the semblance of having a baby ripped right out from the inside still leaves its ache.
It was the first time in our marriage that we had to walk through loss so personal.
I was eight weeks when I miscarried. And I grappled with what it felt like to never be able to hold the first babe enwrapped in my womb.
There were days, weeks, months when I wondered if I’d ever be able to see past the heart-wrenching sorrow. Or to really smile.
I had lost my baby – no matter how tiny – and the tears seemed to never end.
And how does one feel so lonely when so many others have had to bury their babies?
Yet somehow, as I fell deep in my grief, I kept living and moving and breathing.
And I never did drown with God near to me.
I felt His strength and I felt His peace to keep going even when it hurt to breathe.
For I couldn’t go back, couldn’t erase the pain and the trembling, the words that there is no baby.
But God came in the beautiful ugly. As God comes to us in all moments.
In empty wombs and death aching – a newborn’s cries and love unending.
In a husband who ached for my suffering. In pain-filled moments of faith defining. In God’s grace poured out in a second offering.
Showing me He is still good. And miraculously uses my heart-ache for His glory.
Today I weep for the eleven years and the wonder that will last a lifetime.
And my half a dozen kids, all sing-song talking, bounce off and on their chairs, eyes glistening. And they wonder if anyone’s birthday is today.
And I just can’t get the words out about that first little one, such a precious part of me.
But I smile and breathe it in through tears.
This surrendering each day, each baby, each child, each heart-break, each moment to Him – all for His glory.
How about you, dear friends? Are you deep in pain? Wondering how God could use your heart-break or loss for His glory? I know the days can be difficult as we walk through this journey of life, loss, joy, and pain. And I’d be honored to pray for you along the way.